3 Apr 2010

I'd Thought Of A Funny Title, But It Was Too Poor A Joke.

If I were a rich man (fala lala lala la), I'd have all the money in the world as the ridiculously impossible musically jaunty saying goes. So, what to do with all that money? Believe me, I have a good few thoughts. Think of this as a MUST DO list for the still-alive-inside wealthy.

Number One: You must design and create your own Superhero uniform and persona. Not saying you should go vigilante on society's ass and seek out villainy; merely suggesting that you should be cool, pretend you're a Superhero.

Numbero Deux: Well, you know how some famous people don't wear the same clothes twice? I don't know why, because the clothes melt into their souls or some shit but this has inspired me to come up with this idea. Never drink from the same glass twice. When you finish your drink be dramatic and smash that motherbitch on the floor. It's fun and saves the ethnic minorities in your Mansion from adding dish-washing to their 'ad infinitum' list of chores.

Alphanumeric Character 3: Buy as many musical equipment as you can. Find somewhere high and unexpected (maybe the roof of a Tesco's) and perform and impromptu concert with as many possible as you can persuade to join in. After you've finished or when the police arrive - ditch the equipment. It doesn't matter if you're any good at singng when you're that cool.

Fourthly: Buy an incredibly stylish sports car. Lambighini, Lexus, it doesn't matter - however, it must either be pink, purple or have some incredibly feminine design. Reason being? You MUST go cruising in an area reknown for being tough and/or chavvy with the windows down blasting FULL VOLUME Barbie Girl by Aqua, Man, I Feel Like A Woman by Shania Twain and other such oestrogen-rich songs. Wearing sunglasses. Bopping your head. Fuck yes.

(2φ-1)2: Fill a wallet as much as you can with fifty pound notes. Leave it on the ground in a busy street and draw a circle around it. I saw it on TV, I'm interested in seeing if it works. If so, it'll be there the next day due to people paranoid first impression that it's some kind of set-up. There's nothing more suspicious than a circle. It's a pretty dubious shape all round.

The Perfect Sixth: Create a real-life MarioKart track. Get an itty-bitty car, such as the Peel P50, or the Peel P50 Sport Version which would make you seem like a Jetson, only - more Nintendo. It'd be hard to remake the weaponary, and a banana skin may not be as effective as the game makes out, and a cartoon star MIGHT not make you invincible, but it's still worth the attempt at recreating probably the greatest 'play-with-friends' game for the LULZ.

Septenary: Bribe some guy at Oxford to get your own word put into the dictionary. And yes, I have given this thought - I was thinking like the word 'Plumbensquishy' meaning to be easily lead by cuteness. Also, it'd be pretty damn amazing to change the definition of an already existing word, per examplé;

'Pie (n, pronounced /paɪ/) - any carnivore of the dog family Canidae, having prominent canine teeth and, in the wild state, a long and slender muzzle, a deep-chested muscular body, a bushy tail, and large, erect ears.'

Good fun.

八: Assassinate all Celebrities and put an end to that null-minded aspect of culture. Especially Katie Price, her death must be extra intricate. She's become the new Jade Goody and even without access to cable, I still hear all the frivolous 'goss', it's nice to imagine how much better the World would be without all that combined doucheyness.

14 (Base 5): Get a great number of different species as pets, and one by one and generation by generation, genetically alter them to make them look more like Pokémon. Anyone with a vast amount of money must definitely want a pet Pokémon, if not then there is something wrong with the World.

To Finish The Decalogue: Okay, we're imagining that the money source we have here is pretty much unlimited. Say we have an endless supply of clubs where lotos-eater teenage youth are wasting their life and money or we found 500 gallons of fresh oil deep within the Ice Fortress. The ultimate thing to do would be... Build a Spaceship. If I were to do this I would christen it the H.S.S (His Space Ship) Odyssey, and it'd contain all different departments also named after certain Greekage shenanigans. The Tartarus sector for imprisonment; the Snorlax sector which would be the sleeping area (Did I say Greek? I meant Geek). You can't dress or behave chavvy aboard my Mothership or the resident Superman will kick your ass; it's Zod's law. My Space Armada would be frickin' awesome! If you don't think so then...well, I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Hope you enjoy the things I'd do with just a little countless money. (: And it'd better inspire you to do some planning ahead of your own. Just remember that in Zod, anything is possible.

Live long and abide by Zod's golden rule for happy and karma abiding living. (:

Hugwhore <3

The Peel P50 is the front and the Sport version is the back. Mario Kart Imitative Car
This is Zod