3 Apr 2010

I'd Thought Of A Funny Title, But It Was Too Poor A Joke.

If I were a rich man (fala lala lala la), I'd have all the money in the world as the ridiculously impossible musically jaunty saying goes. So, what to do with all that money? Believe me, I have a good few thoughts. Think of this as a MUST DO list for the still-alive-inside wealthy.

Number One: You must design and create your own Superhero uniform and persona. Not saying you should go vigilante on society's ass and seek out villainy; merely suggesting that you should be cool, pretend you're a Superhero.

Numbero Deux: Well, you know how some famous people don't wear the same clothes twice? I don't know why, because the clothes melt into their souls or some shit but this has inspired me to come up with this idea. Never drink from the same glass twice. When you finish your drink be dramatic and smash that motherbitch on the floor. It's fun and saves the ethnic minorities in your Mansion from adding dish-washing to their 'ad infinitum' list of chores.

Alphanumeric Character 3: Buy as many musical equipment as you can. Find somewhere high and unexpected (maybe the roof of a Tesco's) and perform and impromptu concert with as many possible as you can persuade to join in. After you've finished or when the police arrive - ditch the equipment. It doesn't matter if you're any good at singng when you're that cool.

Fourthly: Buy an incredibly stylish sports car. Lambighini, Lexus, it doesn't matter - however, it must either be pink, purple or have some incredibly feminine design. Reason being? You MUST go cruising in an area reknown for being tough and/or chavvy with the windows down blasting FULL VOLUME Barbie Girl by Aqua, Man, I Feel Like A Woman by Shania Twain and other such oestrogen-rich songs. Wearing sunglasses. Bopping your head. Fuck yes.

(2φ-1)2: Fill a wallet as much as you can with fifty pound notes. Leave it on the ground in a busy street and draw a circle around it. I saw it on TV, I'm interested in seeing if it works. If so, it'll be there the next day due to people paranoid first impression that it's some kind of set-up. There's nothing more suspicious than a circle. It's a pretty dubious shape all round.

The Perfect Sixth: Create a real-life MarioKart track. Get an itty-bitty car, such as the Peel P50, or the Peel P50 Sport Version which would make you seem like a Jetson, only - more Nintendo. It'd be hard to remake the weaponary, and a banana skin may not be as effective as the game makes out, and a cartoon star MIGHT not make you invincible, but it's still worth the attempt at recreating probably the greatest 'play-with-friends' game for the LULZ.

Septenary: Bribe some guy at Oxford to get your own word put into the dictionary. And yes, I have given this thought - I was thinking like the word 'Plumbensquishy' meaning to be easily lead by cuteness. Also, it'd be pretty damn amazing to change the definition of an already existing word, per examplé;

'Pie (n, pronounced /paɪ/) - any carnivore of the dog family Canidae, having prominent canine teeth and, in the wild state, a long and slender muzzle, a deep-chested muscular body, a bushy tail, and large, erect ears.'

Good fun.

八: Assassinate all Celebrities and put an end to that null-minded aspect of culture. Especially Katie Price, her death must be extra intricate. She's become the new Jade Goody and even without access to cable, I still hear all the frivolous 'goss', it's nice to imagine how much better the World would be without all that combined doucheyness.

14 (Base 5): Get a great number of different species as pets, and one by one and generation by generation, genetically alter them to make them look more like Pokémon. Anyone with a vast amount of money must definitely want a pet Pokémon, if not then there is something wrong with the World.

To Finish The Decalogue: Okay, we're imagining that the money source we have here is pretty much unlimited. Say we have an endless supply of clubs where lotos-eater teenage youth are wasting their life and money or we found 500 gallons of fresh oil deep within the Ice Fortress. The ultimate thing to do would be... Build a Spaceship. If I were to do this I would christen it the H.S.S (His Space Ship) Odyssey, and it'd contain all different departments also named after certain Greekage shenanigans. The Tartarus sector for imprisonment; the Snorlax sector which would be the sleeping area (Did I say Greek? I meant Geek). You can't dress or behave chavvy aboard my Mothership or the resident Superman will kick your ass; it's Zod's law. My Space Armada would be frickin' awesome! If you don't think so then...well, I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Hope you enjoy the things I'd do with just a little countless money. (: And it'd better inspire you to do some planning ahead of your own. Just remember that in Zod, anything is possible.

Live long and abide by Zod's golden rule for happy and karma abiding living. (:

Hugwhore <3

The Peel P50 is the front and the Sport version is the back. Mario Kart Imitative Car
This is Zod

16 Feb 2010

They See Me Trollin', They Hatin'

This blog may be filled with hypocrosy in places and if so; I apologise greatly.

There are plenty of things on the internet that can irritate you. PLENTY. However, there is zero point in purposely visiting these pages or embarking on an inane internet argument. You'll never meet any of these people, you'll never impact each other's lives - so don't let them affect your emotions. If you see someone on the net that is wrong or ignorant or whatever excuse you use - just remember the person must have something in their life that made them like that and don't take it upon yourself to change EVERY individual moron.

Now, I am a big Facebooker, I say that...I use it to post this, come up with little aphorisms as statuses and keep up with a few close friends. Every now and then, I'll add someone that seems interesting. This is a list of things that irritate the HELL out of me on Facebook:

1. Having a futile status. Using this great means of passing on anecdotes or major news is often watered down to something THAT NO-ONE WILL EVER CARE ABOUT. You're going for a shower? I don't care. You're watching that Teenage show with the Teenage music? I don't care. You love 'Boyfriend #14' with all your worn out heart? I HONESTLY DO NOT CARE.

2. Having a dogmatic status. On FB, you'll come across plenty of people that like to display a 'shallow depth'. These guys/gals that put on a façade and post statuses about things they personally don't care about; they just want people to know how deep and brooding they can be. So, write your poetic status about emotion/sadness/death...I'm not going to read it.

3. Having an attention seeking status. When someone is upset and they post up just how upset they are, or worse, why they're upset. Don't you have some friends you can actually speak to before you let 'that guy you said hi to once' know? People only ask what's wrong BECAUSE YOU EFFING PUBLICISED IT! If you want someone who actually cares; they'd be able to tell there was something wrong by your manner.

4. Public Displays Of Affection. If it was really just about the two of you, you'd keep it to the two of you. I'm not a fan of normal PDAs, on the internet however, it's so much worse. They can also cause SO MANY problems. If you're going to have a relationship with someone then please just actually have a relationship with them; it's when it becomes diluted to pure Log-In-Love that problems arise.

5. Invitations to play all the pseudo-life apps. Sure, it's unlikely we'll ever be farmers in our lives but there's a reason for that...it's boring. I honestly do have a lot more fun in my land of make believe than doing all these apps with not-so-subtle nuances which are limited by the graphics and algorithms; please - do something productive OR MORE FUN.

One final thing that is the bane of Facebook. When there are personal messages; such as a dedicated status or a wall post to a friend and then someone who this is completely irrelevant to comments on it. It's just irritating. Only comment if you need to or if there's some sly irony in the statement, but DO NOT comment only to reiterate what someone else has just said. It's stupid.

Live long and '... likes this.'

Hugwhore <3

(P.S. If you think something in this write-up is about you; then it probably is. *hint*)

15 Feb 2010

Aww, 'Kward' Is Such A Lubberly Turtle.

His name is Kward. So if you find him cute you can say 'Awww, Kward'. If not, he's just Kward.

Are you one of those people that experiences an awkward social situation on a near-daily basis? You're not? Damn, this is awkward. Well, I am a very socially awkward person and like the turtle's expression above would describe; it's not fun. If you're reading this thinking you've had some bad examples, think again.

I'm sure everyone's had the blushening moment when they think someone's waved at them, so waved back and turns out, they haven't a clue who the HELLLL you are. Consider yourself Mario because you are about to get '1-up'ed. I was strolling through my College all happy one morning when I saw a girl that I knew, pretty smart girl and pretty friendly and she invited me to sit with her one time prior, so I raised my hand as to signal a still wave - she subsequently raised hers as to make an 'Ew.' gesture stating 'I don't do high-fives' and walked on. All I could do was go beetroot and mutter silently to myself 'that wasn't a high-five' =/, to quote Flight of the Conchord, 'I've got hurt feelin's'.

To further demonstrate how much of an awkward character I am; I'm going to talk about my favourite break up. Went to an Amusement Park with a group of friends, one of which was my girlfriend of the time that I was going to break up with because I liked someone else, and at the time I figured the good guy thing to do would be to do it early rather than letting it drag out. BAD IDEA. I told her as soon as we got to Thorpe Park and we were the ONLY TWO that didn't go on rides. She had motion sickness, I scream like a little bitch. We stood next to each other for hours not talking...the phrase 'So, this is awkward' is not enough to summarise the combined embarrassment we both most certainly felt.

A third example from the good 'ole primary days. I sat next to this girl who I had quite the crush on; during these times I also had a bad habit of...well, nose-picking (WHICH IS GONE NOW, I SWEAR!), anyway, I was in class one day when I ventured for a booger, the teacher having seen this went 'EWWWW! KANE' so I now have the entire classes attention, this girl then turns to me and says 'Did you pick your nose or something?' - I responded as you would, denied it, did the lame cool guy thing and laughed it off like 'hahaa, noooooo' and gave a little smile. Teacher then said 'PICKING YOUR NOSE AND EATING IT! EW'. Thanks, Miss Palmer.

I, of course, have many more. When I didn't get a joke, so I felt like a twat, when I've made a joke that others didn't get, so I felt like a twat. Quite a few times when I've gotten in the way of a disabled person or a Mother with her buggy, that's always slightly 'Oops, sorryyy'. At the same time, I'm sure there are ones SO MUCH worse than mine...like this douche:

Unless he's utterly soulless, he musta felt pretty bad.

Well, if anyone else has had any pretty bad awkward moments; please share with me :) either on the blog or just a message, this has got me pretty interested now hahaa

Live long and...
This was awkward.

Hugwhore <3

(P.S. Don't you just hate it when you say goodbye to someone, then walk in the same direction as them for like 5 minutes. It's like, I said goodbye, please leave.)

(P.P.S That's pretty much what's happening here, I've signed off but guess who's still reading.)

14 Feb 2010

If Stormtroopers Can Love, Then So Can You. ♥

I had started writing a blog on how Superheroes have sex and the various epic events that happen, but then it dawned on me that it was Valentine's Day. So that's on hold.


I do utterly adore Valentine's day. Sure, it may be commercial, it may have been created by Hallmark; but what honestly is the problem with that? If someone like Hitler discovered the cure for cancer, it wouldn't stop you using it. Valentine's day promotes good things, love, companionship, togetherness. Despite saying this, I do actually believe I have been single every Valentine's day hahaa

Couple's always do things on this grand day, and singles can take great joy in the company of their other single friends; there's no real reason to dislike the day, 'cos even the 'haters' feel a union with their combined dislike of the holiday. It always reminds me of just a general happiness and a warm feeling. It reminds me that life's too short to hold grudges with people; this is the day I tend to make my reconciliation with anyone that needs be and I remind my friends of how attractive they are and how much I appreciate having them.

I don't want this to drag on; so I'll just say - hold no hate for this day and make sure you spend it with the people you love, and you let them know and feel like they're wanted in your life. :)

So, in saying this I would also like to state, to everyone that realises that this is aimed at them, I love you :) greatly and tremendously ♥ (that includes YOU! Scott MUHAHAHA)


Live long, and Happy Valentine's Day!

Hugwhore <3

10 Feb 2010

At The End Of The Day; It's A Cliché.

What's up?

I'm going to talk to you today about the trouble with clichés. There are many, and although they are hard to identify; I do believe I have come up with an appropriate definition.

Clichés - A phrase which upon hearing makes a normal and sane person groan with despair on the inside.

This of course means that everyone has a different perception of what can be called a cliché; however I am going to list a couple of my 'favourites' (if they can be called that).

Let's not go there - What you actually mean to say is 'Perhaps we shouldn't discuss this', but for some reason you choose a context of diction which just doesn't make sense. The only time I can see this coming naturally into conversation is if your fiancée makes a suggestion to spend your honeymoon at a holocaust re-enactment.

Go ballistic - Commonly applied to suggest that someone is angry and full of rage. However, ballistic actually means to have the attributes of a projectile. So, it gives the impression that the angry person in question is soaring through the air, which I guess is a 1-up from 'hitting the roof'.

Literally - It's amazing what people have done nowadays. I've known people to LITERALLY die from running so much, I know an O.A.P who LITERALLY has a heart of gold, I went to school with this guy called Ashley; who - some girl made me aware - was LITERALLY the biggest tosser in the Universe. I swear; next time someone uses this term and it ISN'T literal, I will hunt them down and make guitar strings out of their intestines. Literally.

What's the time? *taps wrist* - The cliché here is the tapping wrist gesture. When asking the time, it's not particularly necessary to have to point at your wrist as to give a subtle lecture of 'And this is the part of your body where you'd be most likely to find the time'.

It's not rocket science - What do rocket scientists say to each other when they don't understand something?

Goody Two-shoes - As opposed to Baddy One-shoe?

Do you know... - A very delightful cliché. It's when someone asks you 'Would you like a drink?'; when you reply with 'Do you know, I would like a drink' it brings about such great enthusiasm which makes it seem like that's the question you've been waiting to hear your entire lifetime. You've just made someone's day.

Go get a life - Go get an original phrase. Usually said at such a trivial situation like having feet on furniture or old people not liking the fact you've actually sat down when on the bus. 'Go get a life.' 'Oh, you mean a life like yours...? No thanks.'

It's like I've known you my entire life - Something said between loved up and passionate couples. I have to question whether this is a good thing. I mean, I've known that Asian guy that works at the post office my entire life - I wouldn't really say we share a special relationship.

Take care - A clichéd farewell which now portrays nothing more than insincerity.

I'm good - When 'I'm fine' just becomes too taxing to say.

Whatever - You're a stroppy apathetic teenager - I get the idea.

The other day - As one of my friends suggested during our high school years, rather than using this term as it is used so often, and by mainly people that don't have much thought to spare, perhaps we should use the term 'Previously' instead. We had fun with this, it made our lives sound like TV shows.

And this is the worst of all Clichés. When I say it, you'll agree because you can't listen to a radio call-in segment without hearing this 5 times a minute. It's in newspapers, in interviews on the television. This phrase must be uttered by at least 100 people at any one time. A large portion of my friends say it and when they do, I immediately think to myself 'so...no original dialogue here then, no?'.

At the end of the day.

When someone says this, I want you to stop them and get them to come up with a phrase of their own. This disease must be vanquished and eradicated from human diction forever, at the end of the day, it's utterly fucking annoying .

Live long and prosper \\// (blahhh'd)

Hugwhore <3

Here's a link to Oxford's list of top ten most infuriating Clichés, I found this after writing the blog and funnily enough, look what was number one hahaa

9 Feb 2010

Like Mother, Like Toaster

After two months have passed since my previous post. I figure; let's write something up.

So, Christmas was pleasant, hope it was enjoyed, I got clothing...and such. January was good, a good month January was, yes.

Hope you had fun with that little catch up there. <3

BEING HUMAN! Is what I am currently watching as well as I am currently...always constantly doing. It's always nice when a narrative displays werewolves and vampies all living in harmony but I have to ask. WHERE ARE THE FRICKIN' ZOMBIES?! I feel semi-cheated that just because these monstrosities lack a certain brain function that they can't be featured as some kind of comic relief maybe?

George is a lovely character. I would suggest that we would need to compare George with Jacob Black; but that's not true, Lautner's way hot. However, it's always good to see such a geeky, unattractive and flawed character in these things, boosts hope for the rest of humanity.

Werewolf Boosts Hope For Human Geeks LOLWUT !

Mitch is endlessly irritating. He attempts to be the good guy ad nauseum yet he doesn't sorta realise that if he's dropped into the dilemma of NEEDING to kill someone but not wanting to end his 'Dry Spell' because...I don't know, he's a sissy vamp or some shit; why doesn't he just stab the guy until his organs turn swiss. Like, OMFG, wise up and stop bitching Vamp.

Not much can be said about Annie, mainly because she's a ghost and they aren't interesting. She's apparently biologically linked to a toaster according to the latest epoisode, so..WTF? Did she mate with a fridge?! Is the TV the God-Parent?! Did Mitch Bitch some more?! I guess they both have the main attribute of not being alive. That's right ethereal nob-munch, go cry to your corpse and get a life. (Zing.)

Good TV show though, and one of very few I can be bothered to keep up with.

Now, I'mma watch QI on BBC iPlayer. <3

Live long and don't die. (You know, 'cos ghosts are dull)

Hugwhore <3

8 Dec 2009

Albert Einstein Must Have Had Lot's Of Phone Sex; On Account Of His Hearing Aids.

It may not be clear from the title, but this is a spoiler-ridden review of a children's animation film entitled 'The Brave Little Toaster Goes To Mars'. When I started watching it, my first thoughts were 'WHAT THE FUCK?!', my second thoughts were 'WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!', and my third thoughts were 'Oh, I get it.'. Obviously, not the usual thing I would watch, but it was suggested to me by the EVER SO COOL AND AMAZING Zoe Copas! (She asked me to mention her) so I thought I'd check it out.

The movie commences with a lovely lil' sing-song about 'We like bread and butter, no more toast and jam'. WAY TO BELITTLE THE FUCKING TOASTER! rendering him useless, no-one uses a toaster to spread butter, if you do - GO BACK TO THE ASYLUM! Listening to the voice acting, I am left unsure whether the Toaster is a guy or a gal, but either way, the voice actor is either prepubescant or the proud owner of a vagina, the toaster is camp, overly camp.

There was an incredibly cute moment when Blankey asked where babies come from and Toaster hesitates to answer, despite being a children's film, I just wished he could blurt out 'TWO PEOPLE BANG IN A SEXUAL MANNER! And babies are the undesireable resultant'. At this moment, I've realised I completely bypassed the fact that this movie is based around the antics of communicative household appliances, so if you want to teach your children realism, give this one a miss.

Soon, we find out that the unliked Hearing Aid has been contacting an outerspace entity (wtf). The baby, or young masterling, get's abducted to Mars (wtf). We discover the Hearing Aid belonged to Albert Einstein (wtf). A rocket get's constucted out of fan, basket and a microwave popping popcorn (wtf).

And THEN on the way to Mars to rescue the masterling, the plot gets interrupted for another lil' sing-song. From Balloons. Which were not in the film before, and weren't in the film after. WHY?! WHAT'S THE RELEVANCE?! If in the midst of a Rocky training montage, he took a break to play a game of scrabble (and utterly fail), you'd be pretty pissed, it's a pointless song. However, it does have the catchiest tune out of the soundtrack 'Cos' we're floating...' (8).

They arrive on Mars. The Satellite Viking 1 is in a relationship with Tinselina the Christmas Angel (wtf, I'd say he's a little out of her league, and if they ever got to a stage of coitus, let's face it, he'd crush her). The ruler of the appliances on Mars (oh yeh, there are appliances on Mars) is a GIANT FUCKING FRIDGE...a fridge that size has absolutely ZERO use, it's too large first, second, no-one can reach the handle...although it doesn't surprise me that the person in charge is also the most useless. The fridge turns out evil and wanting to blow up Earth (getting a bit intense for a child's movie but whatever) and only has a change of heart when he felt 'the touch of a small boys hand', combine this with the fact he turns pink when touched by the child, it seems to me the giant fridge is the kind to hang around in kiddie parks with a long trench coat, horn-rimmed glasses and a preteen-seducing beard. (Don't ask me how the fridge changed colour, or even how it felt a touch, cos it's just wtf.)

I wouldn't want to spoil it, but they have a Happy Christmas on an undestroyed Earth (the theme of Christmas seemed to be randomly added after the Christmas angel turned up, it's not really noticeable until toward the end, so don't watch hoping for snow, Santa and seasonal festivities. The film reminisces Spring-Cleaning more than it does Christmas.) All in all, it's a pretty good film. Entirely illogical. Wouldn't reccomend it unless you were between the ages of 3 & 7 or mentally special but you can at least have a laugh at just how dreadful it is.

Live long and float,

Hugwhore <3