Like Mother, Like Toaster

After two months have passed since my previous post. I figure; let's write something up.

So, Christmas was pleasant, hope it was enjoyed, I got clothing...and such. January was good, a good month January was, yes.

Hope you had fun with that little catch up there. <3

BEING HUMAN! Is what I am currently watching as well as I am currently...always constantly doing. It's always nice when a narrative displays werewolves and vampies all living in harmony but I have to ask. WHERE ARE THE FRICKIN' ZOMBIES?! I feel semi-cheated that just because these monstrosities lack a certain brain function that they can't be featured as some kind of comic relief maybe?

George is a lovely character. I would suggest that we would need to compare George with Jacob Black; but that's not true, Lautner's way hot. However, it's always good to see such a geeky, unattractive and flawed character in these things, boosts hope for the rest of humanity.

Werewolf Boosts Hope For Human Geeks LOLWUT !

Mitch is endlessly irritating. He attempts to be the good guy ad nauseum yet he doesn't sorta realise that if he's dropped into the dilemma of NEEDING to kill someone but not wanting to end his 'Dry Spell' because...I don't know, he's a sissy vamp or some shit; why doesn't he just stab the guy until his organs turn swiss. Like, OMFG, wise up and stop bitching Vamp.

Not much can be said about Annie, mainly because she's a ghost and they aren't interesting. She's apparently biologically linked to a toaster according to the latest epoisode, so..WTF? Did she mate with a fridge?! Is the TV the God-Parent?! Did Mitch Bitch some more?! I guess they both have the main attribute of not being alive. That's right ethereal nob-munch, go cry to your corpse and get a life. (Zing.)

Good TV show though, and one of very few I can be bothered to keep up with.

Now, I'mma watch QI on BBC iPlayer. <3

Live long and don't die. (You know, 'cos ghosts are dull)

Hugwhore <3

Albert Einstein Must Have Had Lot's Of Phone Sex; On Account Of His Hearing Aids.

It may not be clear from the title, but this is a spoiler-ridden review of a children's animation film entitled 'The Brave Little Toaster Goes To Mars'. When I started watching it, my first thoughts were 'WHAT THE FUCK?!', my second thoughts were 'WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!', and my third thoughts were 'Oh, I get it.'. Obviously, not the usual thing I would watch, but it was suggested to me by the EVER SO COOL AND AMAZING Zoe Copas! (She asked me to mention her) so I thought I'd check it out.

The movie commences with a lovely lil' sing-song about 'We like bread and butter, no more toast and jam'. WAY TO BELITTLE THE FUCKING TOASTER! rendering him useless, no-one uses a toaster to spread butter, if you do - GO BACK TO THE ASYLUM! Listening to the voice acting, I am left unsure whether the Toaster is a guy or a gal, but either way, the voice actor is either prepubescant or the proud owner of a vagina, the toaster is camp, overly camp.

There was an incredibly cute moment when Blankey asked where babies come from and Toaster hesitates to answer, despite being a children's film, I just wished he could blurt out 'TWO PEOPLE BANG IN A SEXUAL MANNER! And babies are the undesireable resultant'. At this moment, I've realised I completely bypassed the fact that this movie is based around the antics of communicative household appliances, so if you want to teach your children realism, give this one a miss.

Soon, we find out that the unliked Hearing Aid has been contacting an outerspace entity (wtf). The baby, or young masterling, get's abducted to Mars (wtf). We discover the Hearing Aid belonged to Albert Einstein (wtf). A rocket get's constucted out of fan, basket and a microwave popping popcorn (wtf).

And THEN on the way to Mars to rescue the masterling, the plot gets interrupted for another lil' sing-song. From Balloons. Which were not in the film before, and weren't in the film after. WHY?! WHAT'S THE RELEVANCE?! If in the midst of a Rocky training montage, he took a break to play a game of scrabble (and utterly fail), you'd be pretty pissed, it's a pointless song. However, it does have the catchiest tune out of the soundtrack 'Cos' we're floating...' (8).

They arrive on Mars. The Satellite Viking 1 is in a relationship with Tinselina the Christmas Angel (wtf, I'd say he's a little out of her league, and if they ever got to a stage of coitus, let's face it, he'd crush her). The ruler of the appliances on Mars (oh yeh, there are appliances on Mars) is a GIANT FUCKING FRIDGE...a fridge that size has absolutely ZERO use, it's too large first, second, no-one can reach the handle...although it doesn't surprise me that the person in charge is also the most useless. The fridge turns out evil and wanting to blow up Earth (getting a bit intense for a child's movie but whatever) and only has a change of heart when he felt 'the touch of a small boys hand', combine this with the fact he turns pink when touched by the child, it seems to me the giant fridge is the kind to hang around in kiddie parks with a long trench coat, horn-rimmed glasses and a preteen-seducing beard. (Don't ask me how the fridge changed colour, or even how it felt a touch, cos it's just wtf.)

I wouldn't want to spoil it, but they have a Happy Christmas on an undestroyed Earth (the theme of Christmas seemed to be randomly added after the Christmas angel turned up, it's not really noticeable until toward the end, so don't watch hoping for snow, Santa and seasonal festivities. The film reminisces Spring-Cleaning more than it does Christmas.) All in all, it's a pretty good film. Entirely illogical. Wouldn't reccomend it unless you were between the ages of 3 & 7 or mentally special but you can at least have a laugh at just how dreadful it is.

Live long and float,

Hugwhore <3

The Lone Wanderer? What about his 'Fawke'ing companions?!

Fallout 3 is epic. When I say that, I don't mean the ill-informed teenage meaning of it's really...REALLY good, I mean it in the poetic term of it consists of it's own Universe. If you continue through doing all the simple missions then you'll never actually realise that there are boundaries that you can't cross; only if you attempt to search for them will you actually find them thus you're pretty much in a world of it's own with it's own Pokédex of differing beastly and still quite grotesque but pretty helpful creatures. First time I played, I for reasons which should now be clear named my character Odysseus.

The game begins with your birth and your first mission is your baby steps. Yes, seriously, you have to go through a bit of your childhood before you're roaming the Wastelands mezzing Ghouls. The reason being to direct your character (who at this point seems much like Tommy Pickles trying to get out of his playpen) to having certain specialities and a reason for having those specialities, so much like an ACTUAL childhood, so I do definitely praise the game for making an alternate timeline appear believable. An aspect which never ceases to astound me is how when you begin the game, all the rooms seem so begin, when you return them later as an adult in 'Trouble At The Homefront', they seem so small (they did actually change the size, but it still manages to give a nostalgic feeling) .

The storyline is amazing. You and your father start in a Vault designed to protect everyone from the Wastelands; everyone seems SO happy, but then your father ditches you and the 'Overseer' turns psycho killing your friends, gee, thanks pops. Then you escape so you can find him, it's a bit of a search but when you find him you find it was to finish his SCIENCE PROJECT! Not to take out some great evil or to save some hot babe that he used to know, nope, just some mundane research. Noble, once you know what the research is for, but still.

One mission which I shall mention specifically due to the greatness of it and the imagination behind it. Tranquility Lane. This is where you're in a virtual reality simulation and being forced to do some tasks by a psychotic child pleasantly named Betty. The area is much like Stepford, pretty much everything is (seemingly) perfect, which makes the tasks all the more fun. They vary from making lil' Timmy cry to murdering every resident in the enclosed utopia, pretty DAMN awesumm!

There are various companions which you can recruit throughout the game, ranging from a 'lil puppy dog names Dogmeat to a MAHOOSIVE grossly disfigured SUPERMUTANT names Fawkes. Each of which will only join you depending on whether you've been a goody-two shoes*, an evil bastard, or a boring shite throughout the game. The best companion to have is more than definitely Fawkes, he only joins if you're a hero at this point, so be good for Fawkes' sake. Companions are fun to have, and well recommended because they make it feel like you're in your own ikkle gang; however, if you recruit one and they die, I would say try not to care, to keep restarting so that you can keep them takes WAYYY too long.

Now, it may seem like the games intended for people who have no life looking at how much is in it and how long it'd take to get EVERYTHING done. However, WHO CARES ABOUT HAVING A LIFE?! When in real life will you ever get to use an Alien gun which you found at an ACTUAL U.F.O crash sight to kill an army of Supermutants to save a captive who should really owe you a favour if you catch my drift. The game is amazing and if you've never played it before, then get off your arse and find someone you can borrow it from. When you complete the game, it gives you a big sense of satisfaction, that's right you've spent a week or so finding your father and continuing his research, well done at making something of yourself (but now you've finished, try to socialise a bit and actually make something of yourself).

Live long and 'You've Gained Karma'

Hugwhore <3

*Do baddies wear one shoe or something? I don't see how that aids in being evil...

Toats Ma Goats...I Love You, Review.

I would like to review the funniest film I have seen since I was in tears at the age of 11 due to the slapstick antics of Steve Oedekerk in Kung Pow: Enter The Fist (it's not a porno, I promise you). 'I Love You, Man' is a feel-good movie starring Paul Rudd, a pretty normal guy in a very committed relationship who finds that in devoting himself to his future misses, that he doesn't have many friends and actually lacks a best man to his wedding. So henceforth, he goes on a vast search scouring through all kinds of male bonding activity in search of his companion...woah, I have WAYYY over romanticised the plot. He plays poker, goes for beers, that kinda thing until eventually he finds a friend he actually gets along with.

This movie is great and ACTUALLY contains ORIGINAL humour, I have NOT seen that since FOREVER!, the humour is mundane yet effective because it doesn't come from just jokes or slapstick moments, I mean they are included, but it's more to do with the scenarios themselves and the characters involved, per examplé - the protagonist, who happens to be a real estate salesman selling a house for Lou Ferrigno (Hulk), gets a call from the Hulk complaining that his house isn't getting sold, the friend at this point states quite calmly...'Don't make him angry...YOU WOULDN'T LIKE HIM WHEN HE'S ANGRY!'.

Peter Klaven is a loveable character, and he's not mister perfect, in fact, there is a 5 minute segment in which he prances around playing 'Air Bass' screaming 'SLAP THE BASS!' in the utmost appalling 'Reggae' accent ever which is just as much torture for his pseudo-fiancé as well as it is for the viewer who at this point MOST definitely would want to punch him in the face and delete him off their facebook. The main character is socially awkward, and pretty much any guy can relate to him as the movie explores throughout how the privacy you share with a partner, and the privacy you share with your friends is ENTIRELY different and can cause problems if you confuse the two, NEVER tell your other-half that you have a jerk-off station!, from personal experience, bad idea.

By the way, actor that deserves an honourable mention, Andy Samberg. Now, if you're wondering WHO THE HELL IS ANDY SAMBERG...then I have 4 words for you...'I'M ON A BOAT!'. Yes, 'I Love You, Man' features Premature-Ejaculatory Nautical-Themed-Pashmina-Afghan-Wearing Boss from the Lonely Island as the homosexual brother who teaches Peter all he needs to know about men. It can be a little distracting, I mean after every line my mind just whispers '...like a boss' and when he says 'Look at me! I'm pinkies. I'm barely touching it...', I couldn't help but follow through with '...And I Jizzed In My Pants! (8)' and in my mind he had to turn away before that line '...because Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosion (8)'. Samberg, you are legend.

I also need to draw upon the soundtrack, there are certain words that when stringed together activate your brains impulses to send a chill down your spine and make you quiver, and when I heard the line '...I just want to share a smile, with a friend like you...(8)', it just makes me happy as it shows the simplicity of how being with one friend, smiling, having a good time can cheer you up from pretty much any situation, when I heard this lyric I instantly thought, I'm going to like this film. Well done in the choice of music 'I Love You, Man'.

Now, I shan't say anymore about the film. Note: I haven't spoilt anything about the film and all I've said is a taste of the humour and laughs and fun-loving awkwardiness throughout the film, it's highly recommended from Hugwhore perspective (for any prestige that may hold). Go watch it. (It's also the ONLY film I've ever known and ever will know to reference to a squirting grandma on a Sybian with bush like a porcupine, pretty sick image right?)

Hope I've convinced some people into wanting to watch this movie, I love it.

Live long, and Laters on the Menjay.

Hugwhore <3

The Lonely Island - I'm On A Boat

The Lonely Island - Like A Boss

The Lonely Island - Jizz In My Pants

The Lonely Island - Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions

Latch Key Kid - Good Times

A New Moon Review? Bite Me.

As 90% of recent Facebook status's have probably told you, New Moon is out. I went to see it on the first day of it's release with a couple of close friends and I have to say, having not read the book mind, I was amazed by it. I think something the Twilight saga has going for it, is that it's more than just one story, in this movie alone there is a bonding between Bella Swan (human female) with the elusive, silver-detesting Jacob Black (puppydog), and there is the loss and regain of her first and everlasting love, the Cullster (undead).

I have to say, Bella is EXTREMELY misfortunate in her choice of guys, first love was a Vamp, second was a Wolf boy, both of which were constantly saying how much they could potentially 'hurt' her (kinda creepy if you ask me), I'm awaiting the moment we discover she has been concealing a long distance romance with a freaky alien peep from the Fourth Kind, to be fair they're only a tad more conceited than the Cullster (I am...God).

This was a cinema experience, so every needless moment was filled with teenage females fangasming, 'IT'S RATED 12-A *woots and wails*'. It was rather amusing when either Jakey or the Cullster exhibited any amount of flesh, as it was always immediately followed by a deafening squeal from hormone ridden teenage girls with the deepest desire to be Jakey's bitch or the Cullster's...victim?, shortly followed thereafter by a long drawn sigh from the fellas, me being an exception obviously (Jakey is OH SO hot! I would let him do me doggiestyle...And they called it Puppy Lo-o-o-ove (8)...He's much hotter than Vampy, when he took his top off my eyes were drawn IMMEDIATELY to the fact that he had one nipple bigger than the other. Ew.).

Which brings me to the point, Team Jacob or Team Cullen. Well, Vampires are ultimately cooler...I mean, there are very few ways to kill them, they sparkle in the sunlight and their hair seems to be naturally gelled. They're stylish, fast, and incredibly beautiful from an 'Emo' perspective. However, judging between Edward Cullen and Jacob Black gives a different result, Edward is SOOO clingy it is unbelievable, he may be conventionally beautiful and what have you, but seriously, having this guy watch you while you're sleeping, it's more than the slightest bit creepy, and he's overly corny too 'If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't want to live, you are my breath, I eventually want to make you suffocate so I can spend eternity with your rotting corpse', that sounds like the Cullen intentions to me. Jacob, he's hot, he's cute, he's wearing just shorts and trainers for the majority of the film, enough said.

After searching a bit within the Blogosphere. I found a suitable image for this blog created by necros900 on DeviantArt.

Look at it and laugh!

Live long and be safe.

Hugwhore <3