8 Dec 2009

Albert Einstein Must Have Had Lot's Of Phone Sex; On Account Of His Hearing Aids.

It may not be clear from the title, but this is a spoiler-ridden review of a children's animation film entitled 'The Brave Little Toaster Goes To Mars'. When I started watching it, my first thoughts were 'WHAT THE FUCK?!', my second thoughts were 'WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!', and my third thoughts were 'Oh, I get it.'. Obviously, not the usual thing I would watch, but it was suggested to me by the EVER SO COOL AND AMAZING Zoe Copas! (She asked me to mention her) so I thought I'd check it out.

The movie commences with a lovely lil' sing-song about 'We like bread and butter, no more toast and jam'. WAY TO BELITTLE THE FUCKING TOASTER! rendering him useless, no-one uses a toaster to spread butter, if you do - GO BACK TO THE ASYLUM! Listening to the voice acting, I am left unsure whether the Toaster is a guy or a gal, but either way, the voice actor is either prepubescant or the proud owner of a vagina, the toaster is camp, overly camp.

There was an incredibly cute moment when Blankey asked where babies come from and Toaster hesitates to answer, despite being a children's film, I just wished he could blurt out 'TWO PEOPLE BANG IN A SEXUAL MANNER! And babies are the undesireable resultant'. At this moment, I've realised I completely bypassed the fact that this movie is based around the antics of communicative household appliances, so if you want to teach your children realism, give this one a miss.

Soon, we find out that the unliked Hearing Aid has been contacting an outerspace entity (wtf). The baby, or young masterling, get's abducted to Mars (wtf). We discover the Hearing Aid belonged to Albert Einstein (wtf). A rocket get's constucted out of fan, basket and a microwave popping popcorn (wtf).

And THEN on the way to Mars to rescue the masterling, the plot gets interrupted for another lil' sing-song. From Balloons. Which were not in the film before, and weren't in the film after. WHY?! WHAT'S THE RELEVANCE?! If in the midst of a Rocky training montage, he took a break to play a game of scrabble (and utterly fail), you'd be pretty pissed, it's a pointless song. However, it does have the catchiest tune out of the soundtrack 'Cos' we're floating...' (8).

They arrive on Mars. The Satellite Viking 1 is in a relationship with Tinselina the Christmas Angel (wtf, I'd say he's a little out of her league, and if they ever got to a stage of coitus, let's face it, he'd crush her). The ruler of the appliances on Mars (oh yeh, there are appliances on Mars) is a GIANT FUCKING FRIDGE...a fridge that size has absolutely ZERO use, it's too large first, second, no-one can reach the handle...although it doesn't surprise me that the person in charge is also the most useless. The fridge turns out evil and wanting to blow up Earth (getting a bit intense for a child's movie but whatever) and only has a change of heart when he felt 'the touch of a small boys hand', combine this with the fact he turns pink when touched by the child, it seems to me the giant fridge is the kind to hang around in kiddie parks with a long trench coat, horn-rimmed glasses and a preteen-seducing beard. (Don't ask me how the fridge changed colour, or even how it felt a touch, cos it's just wtf.)

I wouldn't want to spoil it, but they have a Happy Christmas on an undestroyed Earth (the theme of Christmas seemed to be randomly added after the Christmas angel turned up, it's not really noticeable until toward the end, so don't watch hoping for snow, Santa and seasonal festivities. The film reminisces Spring-Cleaning more than it does Christmas.) All in all, it's a pretty good film. Entirely illogical. Wouldn't reccomend it unless you were between the ages of 3 & 7 or mentally special but you can at least have a laugh at just how dreadful it is.

Live long and float,

Hugwhore <3

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