17 Nov 2009

Confessions of a Teenage Romantic

Love, the mutual feeling shared between two people when they realise that they are not alone anymore.

Okay, so, this is who I am. I have overly romanticised views about love. To me, it's just like - if I find someone that I really like, and they like me too, then what's the problem with devoting yourselves to each other. I guess it's all to do with the media I associated myself with when growing up, the usual story, sweet guy, well-liked by people ends up falling for a sensitive and caring girl. So in other words, my view on love is that I'm Jack looking for my Sally.

Now, I'm older, I no longer hold the superlative childish views of a perfect relationship, a perfect love. I now know there's a little more to it. That when someone says forever, they really mean for the next couple of weeks until we go a little time without talking. I know when someone says 'Love' that their perception of it is as flippant as George Bush on the Iraq war (Politics joke? Seriously? :|), I know that the term gets thrown around more than a Monkey's faecal matter.

I need to cite, this is entitled confessions because I am going to reveal a couple of things which I would never usually state. The reason I have such a romanticised view about relationships, it's because of how I personally get into a relationship. It usually follows a similar routine in which I would communicate with someone, have them be brutally honest with me as to find out the worst things about them, then make them feel good about themselves until the idea of 'Wow, perhaps I actually love this person' pops into my mind. So yeah, I'm Florence Nightingale it seems.

However, my last relationship was slightly different, namely because it involved a choice. I was choosing between 3 people which I knew I could head for a relationship with. One would have been a chase, and very loving and very meaningful, however, I didn't choose this because I'd done it before and had my heart broken. Another, in all basicness, would have been too easy, it'd be a relationship where it'd just be sex, and I didn't want that, I wouldn't be able to cope with an empty shell relationship. So, I opted for the third option, a girl who somewhat liked me, seemed nice, and was someone I barely knew. If I'm honest, I think I made the right decision, it was a great relationship (in the beginning anyways), it was passionate, yet detached enough so that we weren't always having to be together.

Now, this is where my childhood comes into play, I was insecurely attached to my mother meaning I have now grown up to be attention seeking and clingy. It sucks OH SO much. I must say though, I have recognised it, and it's not overly a problem because what I have always said, is that two people that truly do love each other should have the capacity to be perfectly honest with each other. So I would expect that if I become slightly irritating, for someone that loves to let me know and I'll detach myself slightly. It does work, but in my last relationship, it was already too late. It was a relationship built on lies, now it's over I can be honest.

At the current moment in time, I have begun to realise all the original values about love I held so dearly, are a mere illusion. I will never find my Jack and Sally relationship, I may find someone eventually that I care about enough that will be perfectly honest with me. I'm ever the optimist when it comes to love.

This is the final revelation I have made about my recent limbic thought processes. Love, it seems to me, that anyone you truly do love, you can't have a relationship with, there would be too much fear that you would lose them, or things would become too complicated. Because I do love, but in a way that I care entirely for the people, rather than having them solely to me, I care about everything they do in general. This to me is the love I want to keep, it's not the Jack and Sally love I wanted as a child, but it's the next-best thing. As for relationships in the mean time...Let's hope they're enjoyable, and some form of love can evolve from them.

'Every instant spent with you, I feel what others spend a lifetime trying to find.' I've said this to one of my previous relationships. And I actually meant it. A friend asked me yesterday after a dispute with my most recent ex, 'Do you still love her? Because either you'll always love her, or you never loved her at all', I didn't know how to react, or answer. But, I know how I feel, I never lose the love I feel for someone, it only manifests itself differently, to hatred, to jealousy, to spite...or to contentment. I love them always, despite anything I say. I keep the memories with me always, saved on my hard drive, and hidden under my bed, and the memories will NEVER change.

I apologise if this was a little intense to read, I tried to make it as light as possible :) but ah well.

Live long, and love whole-heartedly.

Hugwhore <3

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